Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction book… or even very well laid out guidelines. And we all know those books about parenting are only helpful if your child is EXACTLY like example kiddo. Parenting is HARD. No one wants to know they have f*cked up their kid. No one wants to watch themselves f*ck their kid up and be unable to stop it. We all want what’s best for them and give them all the chances to succeed.
It’s hard enough these days to parent through the labyrinth of different parenting techniques and methods. It’s harder still to manage being a good parent when suffering from depression. Add in trying to learn about, and do damage control of, a BPD diagnosis. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough of a sh!t show, let’s toss in withdrawal symptoms and rebound effect. 🤦🏼♀️
If you don’t know, rebound effect, or rebound phenomenon, is the emergence or re-emergence of symptoms that were either absent or controlled while taking a medication, but appear when that same medication is discontinued, or reduced in dosage. In the case of re-emergence, the severity of the symptoms is often worse than pretreatment levels.
Every. Single. Day. Is. Difficult. I’m either one breath away from anger or one blink from tears. I apologize to Marryn daily. She’s not a bad kid. As far as 5 year olds go, she’s a gem. Some times it’s hard to remember that she is only 5. She is so smart, so sweet, so unique. Yes, she’s testing boundaries. Yes, she doesn’t pay attention. Yes, she doesn’t listen. But none of her behaviors warrant yelling. And it seems like that’s all I’m doing lately.
Her newest phrase “Momma, are you sorry for yelling at me?”. Even on days where I don’t yell at her, she asks me the same question. It hurts. I don’t want to her to ever think she isn’t the most amazing, wonderful, perfect person in my life. There are days where I don’t give her the attention she deserves. There are days where I’m mentally absent. There are days where I’m a great mom. But every day, she is told how much I love her.
A Research Article:
“There is not much help for mothers like me”: Parenting Skills for Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder – a newly developed group training program
Background for the study:
“Raising children is a great pleasure and at the same time a big challenge. In the first years of parenting, parents struggle with major adjustments in their lives: they suffer from sleep deprivation, are faced with a change of life focus, must organize the daily routine according to the children’s needs and so forth.
The daily life of women with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is characterized by recurring and frequent changes in mood, self-image, and identity. In stressful situations, the women tend to react with impulsive or self-harming behavior, easily lose their temper, or engage in excessively self-damaging behavior (e.g., drinking, drug use). At the same time, individuals with BPD have difficulties engaging in and especially maintaining stable relationships. This “stable instability” of interpersonal and emotional problems [1] affects all daily interactions, including the parents’ relationship with their infant(s). Taking into account that stability and dependability of the caregiver are crucial for a healthy child development, women with BPD are extremely challenged when expecting and raising a child.”
I’m trying to get better, be better, and be the parent my daughter needs/deserves. I know it’s not enough some days… and I don’t know how to make it better. Knowing there are others out there, that people are working on techniques to help moms with BPD, helps bring a little light to the darkness. But I recently saw a post on Facebook that hurt my soul.
I wish it was this easy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just “heal”. But I can’t. This is a HUGE process dealing with a problem that I didn’t even know was a thing, until a few months ago. I hate myself every day because I don’t feel like I’m the kind of parent my child deserves. The amount of insecurity I have a parent is drowning. It’s often the trigger for suicidal thoughts. It’s something I fight with every single day.
I’m constantly amazed at her ability to forgive; the way she cares; and the struggles she overcomes. I want to show her that it’s ok to not be ok… that it’s ok to feel… that it’s ok to struggle… that it’s ok to ask for help. We talk about emotions and how we act because of them. We talk about how Mommy is learning to handle her emotions just like she is learning to handle hers.
She deserves the world. And I can only hope that she grows up knowing how capable she is.
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I'm Not Dumb 