I wanted to start off with an apology to everyone I have ever been mean to, everyone I have yelled at, people I have treated badly, or pretty much anyone who has had to come into contact with me on one of my ‘bad days’. Now, this isn’t an excuse for my bad behavior. This is me, accepting responsibility for my actions and apologizing for them. Not having the tools or knowledge does not excuse my behavior when it impacts others. So I hope ya’ll can accept my apology.
Click here to read an Apology Letter written by Belinda… it’s a letter written far more better than one I could ever write. She gets across everything I wish I could say but could never get out so beautifully.
It was a little over two months ago that my therapist told me she did not think she could help me anymore and suggested I contact another institution. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I was upset. I thought I could put my trust in her and felt completely betrayed. In retrospect, she was doing me the best favor anyone could ever do… even if I didn’t know it at the time.
So, annoyed, I call the local mental health clinic to make an appointment. Which isn’t exactly how they do things. They have to make an appointment to do an intake to see if you even qualify for their services first. This makes me even more annoyed. But I go along with their processes. A few days later, they call and do their intake questions. It took about half an hour to go through all their questions. The lady was very nice over the phone and I felt like listened to every word I said without judgement. (Which is a HUGE thing when you are talking about suicidal thoughts and actions, along with history of depression and anxiety). I’m told I qualify to talk to one of their therapists and get set up with an initial phone session (cuz COVID).
Boy, was this initial session life changing. My new therapist, let’s call him Joe, asks me a few clarification questions regarding my intake. Last year, I committed myself to being completely honest when it comes to therapy because I WANT to get better, I WANT this to change. So, here I am, being utterly honestly and completely transparent with, yet again, another therapist. About half way through the session, he asks me if I have ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. And while I have heard of this term and diagnosis before, it has been over 6 years and it had only been brought up once. I had not been given much information about it, any resources regarding it, or much of knowledge surrounding BPD other than a book suggestion (which of course I bought at the time and never got around to reading). So Joe explains a bit about what the disorder is and the common presenting symptoms. And I swear, it felt like someone yanking me out of the dark and throwing me into the sunshine. Everything he was saying made sense, each symptom he described was something I could tell a personal story about… it all seemed to click.
I had another week before we would do our first video session. During this week, I spent hours searching Pinterest for information (yeah yeah yeah, what a weird place to do researching, I know). I found articles, graphics, quotes from others with BPD, you name it. Everything I could get my hands on hit straight to my soul. Could this be the issue all along? And there is actually something more than medication and talk therapy as a way to help? Granted, everything I have found on the subject says it is a life long struggle to maintain a decent way of life… but isn’t that better than being told “Yeah, you’re probably just going to be one of those people who has to take meds the rest of you life and find a way to live with everything else” (and yes, this is a direct quote from one of my recent therapists). I figured I didn’t have much left to lose and so I went with this new treatment idea.
The National Institute of Mental Health says that “Borderline personality disorder is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days”. Many times this disorder is overlooked because it can look like Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, or other mental disorders. It is often the case that people suffering with this disorder struggle to find a therapist or counselor because people with BPD are considered “difficult”. It’s just lucky that there happens to be a therapist in this small town who actually specializes in the therapy needed to help BPD.
More information to come: things on treatment, some examples of symptoms I have, random thoughts about BPD that I’d like others to know, etc.
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I'm Not Dumb 